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SELF
HELP FOR STRESS TRAUMA DEPRESSION RELATIONSHIPS
Releasing
the Stored Emotions That Cripple Your Life
Healing
Relationships Through Nurture
Making
Love Last
Self-help
for Depression
Stress
Release Rather Than Stress Management
None of the information
on this page or elsewhere on this web-site is meant as a substitute
for appropriate individual medical or psychological advise
or care.
______________________________________________
Releasing
the Stored Emotions That Cripple Your Life
This article explains
how pre-verbal trauma lies at the root of relationship troubles
and provides self-help instructions on how you can release
it. However you can use the techniques described here to deal
with all sorts of personal issues as well.
Enjoyable personal
and work relationships often elude us. While some feel uncomfortable
about getting close, many others endure power struggles, stone-walling,
abuse and/or indecision about 'getting out'. Trying to pinpoint
the events in our past that caused us to be the way we are,
and making efforts to change ourselves or others, rarely helps.
The harder we try, the more we usually suffer.
However, there is
a self help approach that can bring us a lot of peace and
healing. It is based on sound principles about emotions and
trauma from the fields of psychology, hypnotherapy and various
somatic psychotherapies.
Psychologists' experiments
have repeatedly shown that it is impossible to detect a physiological
difference between a strong positive emotion and a strong
negative one. From this it has been concluded that emotions
are bodily sensations to which we attach a mental interpretation
according to the context in which they occur. Because most
psychotherapies involve interpretation and our minds can deliver
complicated interpretations ad infinitum,
working with body sensations is a more direct, simple and
effective way to heal our difficulties.
You have probably
noticed that when mild feelings occur, sensations arise to
a gentle peak intensity and then dissipate in the same way
as happens with other forms of energy, such as sound waves
and electromagnetic radiation. However, this doesn't happen
with intense emotions. The reason is because in the period
before, during and after birth, when we were 'emotional sponges'
soaking up the feelings around us and our egos couldn't comprehend
what was happening, we developed defences that prevented us
feeling the full intensity of the sensations. The energy that
could not dissipate then became locked in the musculature
of our bodies. Of course, accidents, crime and war may add
to this normal load of infant trauma. For existing views on
this trapped energy and ways of releasing it, see the work
of Wilhelm Reich, the bioenergetics of Alexander Lowen, Janov's
primal therapy, and the holotropic breathwork and bodywork
of Stan Grof.
Unfortunately, every
time our mind associates anything with past trauma, we compulsively
repeat the behaviour patterns developed to prevent us from
fully feeling it in the first place. No amount of rational
thinking and logic can prevent this. Further, trying to get
rid of our patterns frightens our unconscious mind and strengthens
the defences, entrenching the patterns more deeply. The same
happens if we pressure someone else to give up their patterns.
From this perspective it is easy to see why relationship problems
can be so intractable.
The repetitive difficulties
we have with particular people in our lives persist because
the circumstances that our defences require to avoid fully
experiencing a suppressed intense emotion are the same circumstances
that the other person's defences need to avoid to prevent
an experience of one of their blocked feelings.
Instead of trying
to talk each other out of behaviours that bother us, one or
both people need to release the trapped body sensations from
infancy that are the real cause of the conflict. When this
happens, the defences fall away because there is no longer
anything to defend and the conflict disappears
To release blocked
feelings, we need to briefly feel their full intensity.
This is possible because an intense brief pain is much more
bearable than a slightly less intense chronic or intermittent
pain, (in fact, it's the latter rather than the former that
is the cause of retraumatisation). We can develop the trust
to do this by practising with a small discomfort first.
Think of a minor
issue that bothers you. Notice the feeling. Locate it in your
body. Notice what shape, size and intensity it is. If you
are unaware of a feeling, use the hypnotic technique called
revivification.
Hypnotherapists
have learned that if you vividly imagine something, the mind
does not know the difference between what is vividly imagined
and what is real. Even if you think you have a poor imagination,
you can do revivification. All it involves is engaging as
many of your physical senses in the visualisation as possible.
For example, if you imagine seeing and feeling a piece of
lemon in your fingers, holding it to your lips, smelling it,
and tasting the sour flavour as you hear yourself sucking
it, your saliva is likely to run.
To use revivification
for this exercise, pick a particular occasion when your issue
bothered you (you cannot imagine a generalisation) and engage
as many of your physical senses as possible in the recall.
If a future event is bothering you, make up the details. The
mind will make the necessary associations whether it is real
or imagined. Now notice the feelings in your body. Where are
the sensations? How big are they? What shape are they? How
intense are they? It is important to become as fully aware
of them as you can.
Now take a few breaths
to circulate some oxygen and carbon dioxide around the body.
Oxygen gives you energy and carbon-dioxide helps bring unconscious
feelings and thoughts into consciousness. This is the basis
of the breathwork therapies. Also, because we block ourselves
from experiencing intense emotions by holding our breath,
it is important to breathe consciously and continuously.
Now tense up the
muscles in the area of the body where you can feel the sensations.
If you are feeling nothing or aren't sure where the sensation
is, tense up the whole body. Doubt, confusion and numbness
are defensive patterns that can be worked with and released
in the same way as feelings like fear, grief and anger.
Tense up rapidly
and as hard as you can. Let go, and keep your breathing going
afterwards. Now notice what has happened. Sensations may have
become more obvious, larger or smaller, more or less intense,
shifted to another part of the body or dissipated altogether.
If you are feeling anything other than complete relaxation,
tense up the non-relaxed parts again, remembering to keep
breathing. Continue intensifying the energy wherever it moves
in your body until it dissipates.
Some people will
find this happens on the first or second attempt and others
will have to persevere for half an hour or more. Then when
your whole body is relaxed, think of the bothersome circumstances
again and notice if you are still relaxed. This is the test.
If you are not completely relaxed, continue to intensify the
body sensations until you can recall the issue and it no longer
produces unpleasant feelings.
If you tensed up
your whole body because you were not sure where the sensations
were and you still cannot feel anything, do it again, harder
if you can. The intensity is important. Sometimes people have
to do it six times before they feel any sensations. Once you
get a sensation, work with that in the way already described.
If you tensed up
your body and the sensations didn't change, do it again, harder
if you can. Also remember that you are trying to make them
worse. If you hold the intention of 'getting rid of them',
you delay the process. The paradox is that you have to be
willing to accept and experience whatever is there, forever
if necessary, and then the release can happen quickly.
Often people experience
a sudden warm glow or pleasant tingling. Enjoy it. The energy
has moved and you have healed something. Another indication
of healing is a sense of deep peace. When a seemingly unbearable
feeling explodes into bliss, deep serenity, euphoria or the
like, you have experienced an ego death-rebirth (see the work
of Stan Grof for more details).
A common obstacle
in the above process occurs when a person experiences an intense
point of pain they are unwilling or unable to physically intensify
even for an instant. The pain might be in a sensitive or physically
damaged part of the body. If this occurs, keep your breathing
consciously connected and imagine the intensity in the centre
of the pain spreading out to the size of a golf ball. Then
when you have done that, spread it out to the size of a tennis
ball, then a basketball, then an enormous beach ball, and
finally fill the room with it. If you notice that the middle
is still more intense, just start spreading it out from the
middle again. Persevere. Some people may need to imagine spreading
it out to fill the whole of Australia, the planet or the Universe.
Sooner or later it will dissipate because, if your mind gives
a limited amount of trapped energy permission to move beyond
its current boundary, it must get weaker as it gets bigger.
Some people notice it weakening as they imagine it expanding.
Others notice it suddenly transform into something pleasant
when they have been willing to let go and drown in the pain:
the necessary attitude that permits healing.
Another obstacle
to developing trust in this process can occur if you accidentally
pick a big first issue rather than a small one. If this happens,
you may feel that the pain is getting so intense it might
annihilate you. The more intense it is the more real it feels
and this makes it hard to believe that it is just an 'old
feeling' coming up for release. It is easy to go into overwhelm
when this happens. So, if you can find a smaller issue to
work with, then do that, and develop some confidence in the
approach first.
However, eventually
you will need to face the bigger issues, and I know from personal
experience, as well as from working with other people, that
if you can develop the trust to be willing to totally surrender
to being swallowed up by the pain, that a very significant
breakthrough is likely to occur. This does not mean you should
do it alone. Although I have at times faced extreme challenges
on my own, I much prefer assistance from someone who has experienced
those horrible places. It can be very comforting and even
necessary to enable us to trust that we can let such feelings
happen without being destroyed by them.
However, for many
people the trapped feelings are not all that bad, and remembering
to do the process is a bigger problem. It is easy to get caught
up in what is happening and totally forget that you have this
tool at your disposal. The only answer is practice. The more
you do it, the more often you will remember to do it. It took
me months to remember to keep breathing when something upsetting
occurred. It seems easy now. But it wasn't at the beginning.
Persevere, and if you have trouble, get assistance.
Another occasion
when we need assistance is when we prefer to talk about our
bothersome experiences rather than re-experience them. Talking
can be useful if the listener provides the safe space for
us to open up further and we experience our feelings more
deeply as we speak. However, talking is more often used as
a defence against feeling. In this kind of talking, we speak
from the mind, rather than from our present experience, and
this removes us from feeling intense emotions.
The biggest difficulty
occurs if someone feels the process is endless because there
is 'always' another horrible sensation to release. This can
happen with people who suffer from anxiety, depression, insomnia,
physical problems, severe addictions or a history of abuse.
Even with appropriate help, they can doubt the very real progress
they are making. So it is important for the assistant to record
and point out the changes. It also helps enormously if the
helper has travelled an equally difficult journey and can
say, 'I know you can do it because I have done it'.
In addition, no one
can lead others into emotional territory they have not been
through themselves. When something we are unwilling to face
arises in someone we are assisting, we will steer them away
from what they need to experience for their healing.
And now, having drawn
you a map, best wishes in your journey into the territory
of rewarding relationships.
Linda developed
the above approach to improving relationships as a result
of interviewing international 'exceptional helpers' for her
counselling psychology Ph.D. research at Monash University.
___________________________________________
This
article was originally published as
Edwards, Linda, A. (2001). Rewarding relationships: They're
yours! Living Now, Sep-Oct, 14-15 and is reprinted
here with permission of Living
Now.
TOP
Healing
Relationships Through Nurture
This
article describes four ways to enhance and heal your relationships
through nurture. Don't underestimate the power of simple techniques.
The trick is to do them when you least feel like it, then
miracles can happen. If you find yourself resisting, get some
professional help.
David came to see me about
work stress. However, it soon became clear that his problems
involved more than an irritable boss. His wife Diane was unhappy
about the state of their relationship. David had no idea what
was wrong, or what to do about it. He was reluctant to look
too deeply at this painful area of his life.
Couples respond in different
ways when the emotional tone of their relationship deteriorates.
Some, like David and Diane, resort to denial. Many seek professional
relationship counselling. This usually involves talking with
the couple to help them understand the cause of their troubles
and to negotiate ways of behaving, which are satisfactory
to both parties.
There are other options.
When we focus on our experience, rather than intellectual
understanding, difficulties dissolve a lot more quickly. The
most powerful and simple way is through nurturing touch.
Psychologists have long
known that humans need nurturing touch for their
emotional development, and tactile healing practices are recognized
in most parts of the world today. Registered nurses in the
USA practise therapeutic (nurturing) touch. The National Health
Service funds 'hands on' spiritual healers in British hospitals
and medical clinics. Reiki has become a popular alternative
tactile method of healing in Australia.
Nurturing doesn't need
to be done by trained practitioners. Anyone can give nurturing
touch to another person, and it is far more effective, not
to mention less expensive, than conventional counselling or
therapy.
I discussed a number of
nurturing activities with David. These possibilities included
hugging until relaxed, stroking, therapeutic touch
and holding hands. Some people feel uncomfortable about
hugging for more than a few seconds at any time, but David
recalled that he and Dianne had enjoyed it, so he decided
to try that first.
Hugging until relaxed
can be done standing up, sitting down or lying in bed. Hold
each other gently. Apart from the need to adjust your position
so you can be comfortable for a prolonged time, the aim is
to help each other focus on the feelings in your bodies until
both of you are relaxed. Limit talking to descriptions of
sensations and encouragement to notice the details of what
is happening. For example:
"I'm feeling anxious."
"Where do you
feel that?"
""Mostly in my
stomach."
"Can you describe
it?"
"Yes. It's about
the size of a rock melon and it's moving a little as I speak
it is getting bigger and less intense."
Emotion creates bodily
sensation and if we pay close attention, it becomes free to
move and eventually dissipate. Persevere with sensations that
are particularly intense. The more we resist experiencing
our feelings, the more intense they become. It is the resistance
rather than the actual feeling that produces the greatest
discomfort. If necessary, take a big breath and sigh out into
the part of your body where the feeling is located and notice
how it moves and eventually dissipates - this happens because
it is hard to resist a feeling when you are sighing and letting
go.
People often refuse to
believe that profound healing can happen like this because
they are convinced that it can't be so simple! Couples think
that understanding the cause of their problem will cure it.
However this is no more true than believing that understanding
how a person got killed in a road accident will bring them
back to life.
For couples who enjoy hugging,
the above exercise should be used when they feel tense or
the emotional tone of their relationship starts to deteriorate.
Those who feel uncomfortable with cuddling could try holding
hands instead. Once again, the focus is on helping each
other to explore bodily sensations until both are relaxed.
When I saw David the following
week he was smiling. He and Diane had practiced hugging
until relaxed, three times. On the first two occasions,
Diane experienced tightness in her throat, and when it dissipated,
she felt safe enough to talk about a couple of issues that
had bothered her for the entire 12 years of their marriage.
David initially felt attacked. However, because he paid attention
and fully experienced his bodily sensations until they subsided,
he was able to resist the temptation to defend himself.
By the third hugging session,
there was pleasurable, re-assuring warmth, reminiscent of
their courting days. I encouraged David to continue with this
practice and the following week he expressed an interest in
trying the stroking exercise.
One person lies on a bed
while the other lightly strokes his or her naked body for
15-30 minutes. Response to physical stimulation varies greatly,
so it is important for the person doing the stroking to stay
focused and aware of what they are doing. The aim is to gently
and tenderly pleasure your partner in a non-sexual way. The
person being stroked should lie still and observe their body
sensations, pleasant or otherwise. They should make sounds
that show their pleasure whenever appropriate, and sparingly
indicate when something is unpleasant.
Even if your partner is
a little heavy-handed, he or she will learn best what you
want if your feedback consists of gratitude for the moments
in which they manage to succeed in pleasing you.
David reported that while
stroking had been pleasurable, there were some new
developments in the hugging till relaxed exercise.
Diane began to fear loosing the good feelings that she was
starting to experience. She felt she didn't deserve them and
that her partner deserved someone better.
It is not unusual for
prolonged hugging to lead to a level of intimacy in which
we express our deepest fears. While much is said amongst therapists
about the difficulty of healing the wounds of early childhood,
it frequently happens that if a person is able to provide
an atmosphere of acceptance and non-judgement, while their
partner fully experiences these feelings, profound healing
can happen.
This happened for David
and Diane. Something meaningful started to blossom again in
their relationship.
David also told me that
Diane had recently taken on a new job, and although she loved
the prestige, challenge and income that her new position provided,
she came home each night tired and drained, and had developed
a habit of drinking to unwind. At this point I suggested he
introduce her to the therapeutic touch practise.
With this exercise, David
sat on a chair beside their bed with a pillow on his lap and
instructed Diane to lie in a relaxed position across the end
of the bed with a blanket over her body and her head resting
on the pillow in his lap. David then placed the palms of his
hands under her neck with his thumbs resting lightly against
the sides of her neck and focused his attention on the sensations
in his hands.
Expect feelings such as
tingling, warmth, love and other good sensations to arise
in either partner. However, the objective is just to observe,
and experience, whatever feelings or sensations arise. There
is no need to talk. This practice should be continued for
15 minutes or longer if desired.
Diane was delighted and
her wine consumption fell off rapidly.
Of these approaches to
nurturing, one is not better than another.Couples should choose
whatever appeals to them both, and adapt it to suit their
needs.
However, here are a few
general principles worth keeping in mind:
Do the practice regularly,
regardless of what you feel like. Just reading about it, or
talking about it, won't achieve anything. Make an agreement
with your partner about a time and place and stick to it.
No excuses! When you are experiencing relationship difficulties,
you probably won't feel like it.
'I'm too busy' and 'It
feels artificial', are simply defences against feeling uncomfortable.
Note which ones you tend to use, and nurture each other anyway.
- Notice your
thoughts, feelings and body sensations rather than suppressing
them or dumping them on others.
- If possible tell
your partner what you are experiencing but do it in
a non-blaming, non-judgemental way.
- Acknowledge
and affirm what your partner says. Avoid discussion.
It takes people away from feelings and leads to argument.
- Persevere.
Do not stop the practice in order to avoid uncomfortable
feelings.
- All feelings and
sensations, both pleasant and unpleasant, dissipate over
time. Learn to be 'warmly okay' with being uncomfortable.
It can have a significant, positive effect on your whole
life.
The last time I saw David,
he was busy planning 'dates' with his wife, and those stressful
work issues? They too have 'magically' improved.
Linda
teaches couples how to use nurturing activities, love-making
and body-oriented emotional release skills to resolve relationship
problems and sexual difficulties.
_______________________________________
This
article was originally published as
Edwards, Linda, A. (2002). Healing relationships through nurture.
Living Now, May, 4-6 and is reprinted here with
permission of Living Now.
TOP
Making
Love Last
This
article deals with the difficulties that many couples encounter
trying to meet society's misguided expecations of what is
normal in a sexual relationship.
Wendy
came to see me because of dissatisfaction with her life, although
on the surface, she seemed to have it all. She told me that
her 15-year relationship with her husband Pete was fine.
However,
when I asked about her sex life she said Pete had been impotent
for most of their marriage and she wasn't interested in sex
anyway.
Sex…
We are taught in Western Society, especially by Hollywood,
that sex should be goal-oriented. Hollywood-style sex focuses
on stimulation and sexual pleasure, especially orgasm. What
will surprise most people is that orgasm is only a relatively
minor part of real lovemaking. Focusing on orgasm is like
throwing away all the filling of a sandwich and just eating
the crusts. It is a very poor substitute for what is possible!
From
1926 onward, Van de Velde's very popular marriage manual,
Ideal Marriage, taught men to focus on clitoral stimulation.
In 1966, Masters and Johnson made a surprising discovery.
They found that the response to sexual stimulation in females
was the same as in males. At the time, the Women's Liberation
Movement was in full force. This created a focus on female
orgasm and put pressure on women to work out how to have one.
This pressure came through books, magazines and the movies.
As a
result, men and women started treating themselves or each
other as objects - as instruments for either their partner
or themselves to get an orgasm. This agenda created sexual
problems such as:
- Loss of chemistry,
sexual boredom, infidelity and other substitute interests.
- Dealing with
the pressure to have an orgasm by faking it.
- Feelings of resentment
and being used due to begrudgingly helping the partner to
have an orgasm.
- Performance anxiety
and sexual dysfunction due to a focus on trying to behave
sexually in ways that society expects.
It wasn't
until the publication of the Hite Report in 1976 that the
focus on orgasms for either sex was questioned. Shere Hite
discovered that many women do not orgasm naturally but that
some who had never orgasmed could enjoy sex and intercourse
immensely. She also found that most women were more interested
in sexual relations lasting longer and experiencing more love,
tenderness, hugs, and whole body sensuality than in having
orgasms. As a consequence she called for a redefinition of
sex in a way that did not focus on orgasms. Unfortunately,
most people remain unaware of these findings and 'Hollywood
style' sex continues to be conveyed as the only option despite
being unworkable in long-term partnerships.
Hollywood
sex usually works best during the honeymoon phase of a relationship
when sexual excitement is at its highest and before real intimacy
has had a chance to develop. Sexual chemistry is very delicate.
The slightest emotional upset can kill it.
The
first sign of a problem is usually the loss of interest in
sex. Each issue that remains unresolved becomes another unconscious
reason for lack of interest. When the good feeling goes, many
people focus even more on orgasm to try to regain those good
feelings. However, this only compounds the problem. Feelings
of boredom, emptiness, being unloved, uncared for, unconsidered
and used, often arise. Some find it difficult to perform sexually.
Others move from partner to partner hoping that will fix the
problem. However the quality of sex in a long-term relationship
cannot improve until the emotional issues behind the disappearance
of the chemistry have been resolved.
An alternative
to Hollywood style sex is a form of lovemaking espoused by
spiritual teachers, such as Barry Long and Isaac Shapiro.
Researchers and psychologists, such as Alfred Kinsey, Rollo
May, Alan Watts and others have also reported these practices.
When
a man focuses his attention on pleasing his partner by doing
things for her which she enjoys - such as stroking her back
and gazing into her eyes, she feels loved, and if she shows
her appreciation, the love in his heart grows. In this way,
the couple literally make love. The more she feels loved,
the more she gets turned on sexually. Chemistry builds in
both partners, and the sexual organs respond.
No
genital stimulation is necessary. The vagina lubricates naturally
and opens up in response to her feeling of being loved. Likewise,
as love expands in the man's heart, his penis responds.
It
is important for both parties to stay focused on what is happening.
They should establish and maintain eye contact. The setting
should have soft lighting sufficient to see each other's faces.
Incense, music and candles can be added to create an inviting
atmosphere.
Contrary
to popular opinion, a man doesn't need a hard erection to
successfully make love and please his partner. He may choose
to use the tip of his partially erect penis to gently massage
around the entrance to the vagina. This 'knocking at the door'
should continue until the vagina opens up naturally.
Sometimes
there is a 'rush' when entering the woman that can cause the
man to ejaculate. He must learn to be still. He doesn't need
to thrust madly; he just needs to focus on pleasing his partner.
If he is doing something that isn't working, she should gently
let him know about something else he could do that she does
like, and if he does it, she shows her appreciation for that.
It is
important that women don't take men for granted by neglecting
to show their appreciation. They need to be considerate and
sensitive with their responses. Statements like 'Don't do
that again!' are likely to trigger an emotional response in
the man that will finish up being a turn off for both of them.
The
man doesn't have to give up orgasms but he should stop focusing
on them as a goal. In time he will gain full control over
his ejaculation and will choose whether he wants to have an
orgasm or not. When he does want to climax, he will leave
this till the natural end of their lovemaking session. Sometimes
he may simply choose, after hours of intense sexual pleasure,
not to bother with the relatively inconsequential experience
of an orgasm.
If
this seems a very strange and difficult requirement for men,
it should be remembered that it was reported by the well-respected
psychologist, Rollo May, that men miss out on pleasure through
their focus on orgasm. Alfred Kinsey also acknowledged the
Hindu male practice of prolonging the pleasure of intercourse
through enjoying multiple orgasm-like-experiences preceding
full sexual arousal and ejaculation.
Not
only do men short-change themselves by focusing on a single
ejaculation, but they also miss out on the experience of being
with a partner who enjoys love making as much as they do.
However,
in order to enjoy this more rewarding form of lovemaking,
it is necessary to deal with emotional problems as they arise.
Even if we have no initial resistance to trying this new approach,
there may be other feelings, conscious or unconscious, interfering
with the delicate sexual chemistry. Self-help techniques which
have been helpful in dealing with these issues have been described
in my previous Living NOW articles (September 2001, May 2002)
which are available for download from this web site.
Having
explained the difference between conventional 'Hollywood'
style sex and true lovemaking to Wendy, I suggested that she
ask Pete to spend half an hour each night simply pleasing
her, and that while he did that, she focus on thanking him
whenever he succeeded.
Two
weeks later she returned with a huge beam on her face and
announced that Pete wasn't impotent any more and that they
were enjoying themselves immensely. Life was great!
Six
months later I bumped into them at the local newsagency. They
looked like they were on their honeymoon.
Linda teaches
couples how to use nurture, love-making and emotional release
skills to resolve relationship problems and sexual difficulties.
___________________________________________
This
article was originally published as
Edwards, Linda, A. (2002). Making love last. Living Now,
Sep, 39 and is reprinted here with permission of Living
Now.
TOP
Self-help
for Depression
This
article discusses the nature of depression and provides techniques
for people to help themselves to overcome the less serious
forms of depression on their own. However, in cases of severe
or chronic depression, assistance from someone experienced
in this approach is likely to be necessary in order to make
significant progress.
The
word 'depression' is used to refer to a wide range of moods
and behaviours from those linked with the normal sadness of
life to suicidal despair. However, clinical depression is
distinguished from normal grief and sadness by its severity,
duration or persistence, and effects on day to day functioning.
Ten to twenty percent of the population experience serious
depressive episodes at some point in their lives. Depression
is generally considered to be a chemical imbalance that creates
real deep psychic pain over which the person has no control
and treatment is generally by medication.
However,
my experience has taught me that depression causes chemical
imbalances rather than the other way around and that self-help
techniques aimed at dealing with the real cause of depression
can bring peace and healing. These techniques are based on
sound principles of emotion and trauma from the fields of
psychology, hypnotherapy and various somatic psychotherapies.
Psychologists'
experiments have repeatedly shown that it is impossible to
detect a physiological difference between a strong positive
emotion and a strong negative one. From this it has been concluded
that emotions are bodily sensations to which we attach a mental
interpretation according to the context in which they occur.
Because most psychotherapies involve interpretation and our
minds can deliver complicated interpretations ,
working with body sensations is a more direct, simple and
effective way to heal our difficulties.
You
have probably noticed that when mild feelings occur, sensations
arise to a gentle peak intensity and then dissipate in the
same way as happens with other forms of energy, such as sound
waves and electromagnetic radiation. However, this doesn't
happen with intense emotions. The reason for this stems from
the period before, during and after birth. During this time
we were like 'emotional sponges' soaking up the feelings around
us. Unfortunately our egos couldn't comprehend what was happening
and we consequently developed defences that prevented us feeling
the full intensity of the sensations. The energy that could
not dissipate then became locked in the musculature of our
bodies. Of course, accidents, crime and war may add to this
normal load of infant trauma. For existing views on this trapped
energy and ways of releasing it, see the work of Wilhelm Reich,
the bioenergetics of Alexander Lowen, Janov's primal therapy,
and the Holotropic Breathwork and bodywork of Stan Grof.
Unfortunately,
every time our mind associates anything with past trauma,
we compulsively repeat the behaviour patterns developed to
prevent us from fully feeling it in the first place. No amount
of rational thinking and logic can prevent this. Eventually
we reach a limit where we have suppressed so many emotions
that we suffer the classical symptoms of depression. This
may happen through a single painful event such as a marriage
break-up, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a career.
In this case, it is called reactive depression. If it follows
childbirth, an event which triggers our unresolved infant
and birth trauma, it is called postnatal depression. However,
if there is a slow build-up of many things that we have suppressed
over the years, then there is no obvious single cause and
it is called major depression or endogenous depression. Finally,
bipolar depression occurs when the need to escape the pain
and discomfort of normal reality is so great that the psyche
uses an immense amount of energy to generate manic periods
of unrealistic perceptions such as delusions of grandeur which
then collapse back into periods of endogenous depression when
the energy runs out.
The
more serious forms of depression usually persist or get worse
unless we engage in a deep experiential healing process or
there are dramatic changes to our life circumstances. Anti-depressants
are not a cure. They simply suppress the bothersome emotions
for us, and in so doing, often take away our ability to feel
joy or sorrow, so life becomes meaningless.
Instead
of trying to talk ourselves out of thoughts, feelings and
behaviours that bother us, we need to release the trapped
body sensations from our early life which are being triggered
by events in our lives today but which are actually not appropriate
to today's events. When this happens, the mental defences
(conscious and unconscious attitudes and beliefs) fall away
because there is no longer a bad feeling to avoid.
To release
blocked feelings, we need to briefly feel their full intensity.
This is possible because an intense brief pain is much more
bearable than a slightly less intense chronic or intermittent
pain, (in fact, it's the latter rather than the former that
is the cause of re-traumatisation). We can develop the trust
to do this by practising with a small discomfort first.
Think
of a minor issue that bothers you. Notice the feeling. Locate
it in your body. Notice what shape, size and intensity it
is. If you are unaware of a feeling, use the hypnotic technique
called revivification.
Hypnotherapists
have learned that if you vividly imagine something, the mind
does not know the difference between what is vividly imagined
and what is real. For example, if you imagine seeing and feeling
a piece of lemon in your fingers, holding it to your lips,
smelling it, and tasting the sour flavour as you hear yourself
sucking it, your saliva is likely to run. To use revivification
for this exercise, pick a particular occasion when your issue
bothered you (you can imagine a generalisation) and engage
as many of your physical senses as possible in the recall.
If a future event is bothering you, make up the details. The
mind will make the necessary associations whether it is real
or imagined. Now notice the feelings in your body. Where are
the sensations? How big are they? What shape are they? How
intense are they? It is important to become as fully aware
of them as you can.
Now
take a few breaths to circulate some oxygen and carbon dioxide
around the body. Oxygen gives you energy and carbon-dioxide
helps bring unconscious feelings and thoughts into consciousness.
This is the basis of the breathwork therapies. Also, because
we block ourselves from experiencing intense emotions by holding
our breath, it is important to breathe consciously and continuously.
Now
tense up the muscles in the area of the body where you can
feel the sensations. If you are feeling nothing or aren't
sure where the sensation is, tense up the whole body. Doubt,
confusion and numbness are defensive patterns that can be
worked with and released in the same way as feelings like
fear, grief and anger. Let go, and keep your breathing going
afterwards. Notice what has happened. Sensations may have
become more obvious, larger or smaller, more or less intense,
shifted to another part of the body or dissipated altogether.
If you are feeling anything other than complete relaxation,
tense up the non-relaxed parts again, remembering to keep
breathing. Continue intensifying the energy wherever it moves
in your body until it dissipates.
Some
people will find this happens on the first or second attempt
and others will have to persevere for half an hour or more.
Then when your whole body is relaxed, think of the bothersome
circumstances again and notice if you are still relaxed. This
is the test. If you are not completely relaxed, continue to
intensify the body sensations until you can recall the issue
and it no longer produces unpleasant feelings.
If you
tensed up your whole body because you were not sure where
the sensations were and you still cannot feel anything, do
it again, harder if you can. The intensity is important. Sometimes
people have to do it six times before they feel any sensations.
Once you get a sensation, work with that in the way already
described.
If you
tensed up your body and the sensations didn't change, do it
again, harder if you can. Also remember that you are trying
to make them worse. If you hold the intention of 'getting
rid of them', you delay the process. The paradox is that you
have to be willing to accept and experience whatever is there,
forever if necessary, and then the release can happen quickly.
Often
people experience a sudden warm glow or pleasant tingling.
Enjoy it. The energy has moved and you have healed something.
Another indication of healing is a sense of deep peace. When
a seemingly unbearable feeling explodes into bliss, deep serenity,
euphoria or the like, you have experienced an ego death-rebirth
(see the work of Stan Grof for more details).
A common
obstacle in the above process occurs when a person experiences
an intense point of pain they are unwilling or unable to physically
intensify even for an instant. The pain might be in a sensitive
or physically damaged part of the body. If this occurs, keep
your breathing consciously connected and imagine the intensity
in the centre of the pain spreading outwards. If you notice
that the middle is still more intense, just start spreading
it out from the middle again. Persevere. Some people may need
to imagine spreading it out to fill the whole of Australia,
the planet or the Universe. Sooner or later it will dissipate
because, if your mind gives a limited amount of trapped energy
permission to move beyond its current boundary, it must get
weaker as it gets bigger. Some people notice it weakening
as they imagine it expanding. Others notice it suddenly transform
into something pleasant when they have been willing to let
go and drown in the pain: the necessary attitude that permits
healing.
Another
obstacle to developing trust in this process can occur if
you accidentally pick a big first issue rather than a small
one. If this happens, you may feel that the pain is getting
so intense it might annihilate you. The more intense it is
the more real it feels and this makes it hard to believe that
it is just an 'old feeling' coming up for release. It is easy
to feel overwhelmed when this happens. So, it is best to find
a smaller issue to work with initially to develop confidence
in the approach.
However,
eventually you will need to face the bigger issues, and I
know from personal experience, as well as from working with
others, that if you can develop enough trust to totally surrender
to being swallowed up by the pain, that a very significant
breakthrough is likely to occur. This does not mean you should
do it alone. It can be extremely beneficial to have assistance
from someone who has experienced those horrible places. The
fact that they have gone through the process and survived
can be very comforting and even necessary to enable us to
trust that we can feel these sensations without being destroyed
by them.
However,
for many people the trapped feelings are not all that bad,
and remembering to do the process is a bigger problem. It
is easy to get caught up in what is happening and forget that
you have this tool at your disposal. The only answer is practice.
The more you do it, the more naturally it will come to you.
Persevere, and if you have trouble, seek assistance.
Another
occasion when we need assistance is when we prefer to talk
about our bothersome experiences rather than re-experience
them. Talking can be useful if the listener provides the safe
space for us to open up further and we experience our feelings
more deeply as we speak. However, talking is more often used
as a defence against feeling. In this kind of talking, we
speak from the mind, rather than from our present experience,
and this removes us from feeling intense emotions.
The
biggest difficulty occurs if someone feels the process is
endless because there is 'always' another horrible sensation
to release. This is frequently the case with people who suffer
from major depression. Even with appropriate help, they can
doubt the very real progress they are making. So it is important
for the assistant to record and point out the changes. It
also helps enormously if the helper has travelled an equally
difficult journey and can say, 'I know you can do it because
I have done it'. In addition when something we are unwilling
to face arises in someone we are assisting, we will instinctively
steer them away from what they need to experience for their
healing. If this is happening, find yourself another mentor
for the journey into freedom from depression.
Dr. Linda Edwards
developed the above approach to working with depression as
a result of interviewing international 'exceptional helpers'
during counselling psychology research at Monash University.
She has taught pastoral counselling at university, and is
a registered psychologist, an internationally published author
and is experienced in using hypnotherapy (CBT imagery work),
and ACT coaching with both individuals and couples. She is
currently in private practice in Melbourne.
TOP
Stress
Release Rather Than Stress Management
This
article describes a way to turn stress management exercises
into stress release exercises so that particular situations
that used to stress you no longer do. However, if you have
been badly traumatized by particular situations, you may need
to consult a psychologist with expertise in trauma.
Stress
is an uncomfortable experience in the body which occurs when
we brush up against people and circumstances that we would
rather avoid. Consider that knot you get in the pit of your
belly-it might come when you are called upon to do some public
speaking, or when you have that crucial interview. Even if
you believe that your stress is caused by worrying, you would
not take worrisome thoughts so seriously if there wasn't an
accompanying anxious sensation in your body. We believe strongly
those things which are confirmed by our body feelings. The
stronger the body sensation, the more we believe the thought
that goes with it.
Some
of us are so used to these feelings that we don't even realize
we are stressed unless it is extreme. Alternatively, we might
notice signs of chronic stress. Do we suffer from any of the
medically accepted physical effects of stress such as migraine,
asthma, digestive disorders, hypertension and so on? Do we
have a psychological or psychosomatic problem such as headaches,
insomnia, or sexual difficulties? Perhaps we have an eating
disorder or drink too much, or suffer from chronic emotional
patterns such as anxiety, resentment, or low self-esteem?
If we
do find we are stressed we can release it by working with
our body sensations. This is possible because body sensations
are the root of all stress-related problems. The reason that
working with body sensations is the answer to freedom from
stress lies in our infancy and prenatal history. Our limbic
brain, a rudimentary part of the brain, develops immediately
after conception to look after our physical development and
survival as a foetus.
Until
the age of two, when we begin to talk and think, we live in
a sea of our mother's feelings and emotional resistances.
These emotional resistances become programmed into our limbic
brain. In this way, at a time when our cognitive processes
have not yet developed, we can be conditioned to automatically
shrink from or avoid fully experiencing unpleasant sensations.
Every time our limbic brain associates anything with past
unpleasantness, we compulsively repeat the behaviour patterns
developed to prevent us from fully feeling that unpleasantness
in the first place. No amount of rational thinking and logic
can prevent this.
Our
neocortex (that hallmark of humankind-our 'thinking brain'),
which developed years after the limbic brain, does not know
about the emotional programming of our infancy and womb life.
Also, because it is not part of the more primitive brain that
looks after the survival of the body, it is too slow to intervene
when limbic brain reactivity sets in. This is why we cannot
remove stress through mind-based approaches.
Reducing
stress involves learning to become fully aware of the sensations
in your body which your limbic brain defenses have led you
to ignore. The following exercise will increase your awareness
of sensations. You can do it sitting in a chair.
Because
we block stressful experience through shallow breathing and
breath-holding, it is important to consciously and continuously
breathe throughout the practice. Begin the exercise by taking
three rapid deep breaths.
Follow
this by tensing ALL the muscles throughout the body as hard
as possible, then let go. Put ALL your energy into it. What
about the muscles in your face? Your mouth? Duration is not
important-the exercise might only take a few seconds-intensity
is what counts. Now take one more very deep breath and sigh
out hard and fast.
Notice
what happens. Sensations may become larger or smaller, more
or less intense, shift elsewhere in the body or dissipate
altogether. If you are feeling anything other than complete
relaxation, repeat the exercise focusing on the non-relaxed
parts, and in addition, press the palms of your hands hard
against the areas where you are tensing your muscles. Continue
using breathing, pressure and muscle tension to intensify
uncomfortable sensations anywhere in the body until they all
disappear. Some people find this happens on the first or second
attempt, others need to persevere for half an hour or more.
People often experience a sudden warm glow or pleasant tingling.
Enjoy it. When this happens, the stress has gone.
You
should do this exercise six or eight times a day. You can
do it sitting at your work station or you might link the practice
to visits to the toilet or getting up and going to bed-this
will make it easier to remember to do it and gives you some
privacy.
To reduce
the build-up of new stress, you need to release the trapped
body sensations you acquired from infancy which your limbic
brain has associated with certain life events. One way to
do this is to deliberately expose yourself to an actual life
event which causes stress and then use the exercise above
to release that stress at the time of the event. Provided
you briefly feel the full intensity of the body sensations,
you should not experience stress with any similar life event
in the future.
Alternatively
you can use mental imagery to reduce future stress. This works
because when you engage as many of your five physical senses
in visualisation as possible, your limbic brain does not know
the difference between what is vividly imagined and what is
real and the body responds accordingly. Imagine seeing half
a lemon. Hold it to your lips. How does the skin feel? What
does it smell like? Taste the sour flavour as you squeeze
it and hear yourself sucking it. Result? Your saliva is likely
to run. -Try it!
To use
vivid mental imagery, we need to pick an occasion when we
felt stressed and then recall the details of what we could
see, hear, and feel (and smell and taste too if these are
relevant). If an upcoming event is bothering us, we can imagine
the likely sensory details. Whether real or imagined, the
limbic brain will make the associations. Now notice the stress
in the body. Explore the feeling. Locate it in your body.
Does it have a shape, size and intensity? Now intensify the
sensation using the exercise described above. When your whole
body is relaxed, you can think of the bothersome circumstances
again and notice if you are still relaxed. If not, you can
continue to intensify the body sensations until you can vividly
recall the issue and it no longer feels stressful.
There
is a paradox here and it is that we have to be willing to
feel worse temporarily in order to fully experience the original
suppressed emotion together with its uncomfortable defenses.
Only then can the limbic brain recognize that there is no
danger and let it all go. The more you practice the more it
will become an automatic resource to help you through the
most stressful situations.
A word
of caution-sometimes when we do these exercises we experience
such an intense feeling that we are unwilling to intensify
it even for an instant. If this occurs, we need to seek assistance
from someone experienced in this life coaching approach.
Dr Linda Edwards
developed the above approach to stress management as a result
of her research at Monash University. She is a registered
psychologist, and internationally published author. She is
currently in private practice in Melbourne.
____________________________________________
TOP
None
of the information on this page or elsewhere on this web-site
is meant as a substitute for appropriate individual medical
or psychological advise or care.
Copyright
Dr Linda Edwards 2001-2011, Melbourne Psychologist, ACT Therapist,
ACT couples Therapist, Hypnotherapist (specializing in CBT
imagery work) Art of Living Psychology, Surrey Hills, Victoria,
Australia. Consulting Rooms are in the Camberwell Box Hill
region of Melbourne.
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