• Counselling Psychology

• Couples & Relationships

• Groups & Classes

• Self Help Articles

About Linda

Contacts & Consultations

RELATIONSHIP COACHING, COUPLE COUNSELLING, MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT, PRE-MARITAL EDUCATION LOVE-MAKING TRAINING AND SEX THERAPY

Couple or Marriage Counselling versus Relationship Coaching

Marriage or Relationship Enrichment

Pre-Marital Counselling & Pre-Marriage Education

Sex Therapy and Love-Making Training for Couples

ACT Couples Coaching and Relationship Counselling

Consultations

Couple or Marriage Counselling versus Relationship Coaching

What Are These Services?

Relationship counselling includes counselling for individuals who are experiencing difficulties in family, sexual, social or work relationships as well as counselling for married couples, defacto couples and dating couples (marriage counselling or couple counselling).

Marriage counselling / couple therapy is a confidential activity in which you and your partner pay a trained and experienced relationship counsellor to spend time listening to what each of you says, getting to know both of you and developing an understanding of your particular circumstance,s and offering you both support, insight and encouragement through:

• Helping each of you to discover ways to look at things that make life easier for you both
• Assisting you to behave or respond to situations or each other in a way that works better for the relationship as well as yourselves
• Empowering both of you to create new strategies and solutions for your relationship.

Relationship counselling for individuals is similar to marriage and couple counselling in terms of process and goals. However, instead of working with a couple, it entails working with one person who has concerns about family, sexual, social or work relationships.

Relationship coaching involves teaching a couple or individual effective skills which can be used to enhance their relationships (e.g. marriage enrichment) or provide tools to prevent difficulties developing in the future (e.g. pre-marriage counselling or pre-marital coaching). It also involves teaching people about the unconscious relationship dynamics that can lead to difficulties. Forewarned is forearmed.

Who Can Benefit From Relationship Counselling , Marriage Counselling, Couple Counselling or Relationship Coaching?

Almost everyone can benefit from relationship coaching. Why? Because it is better to learn how to prevent problems than to wait until they develop and then try to deal with them. It is also easier to resolve conflicts when they first develop and there is relatively little ill feeling than to address the issue years down the track when the situation has escalated.

Very few of us have any idea what a really harmonious relationship actually looks like because we were not involved in one when we were growing up. If our parents had a bad marriage, we only learned how to do what doesn't work. If our parents never argued or raised their voices, we only learned how to have a conflict avoidance marriage.

Nor were we taught how to have a harmonious loving relationship outside of the home. Our schools gave us intellectual and physical education, but not emotional education.

Very few of us learned to resolve conflict respectfully and lovingly. Very few of us grew up learning that an harmonious loving adult relationship involves two people respecting and trusting each other, being able to communicate clearly and honestly, and having equal rights, opportunities and responsibilities. Many of us expect our partners to know instinctively what we want and need. In reality, we must respectfully communicate our wants, needs and expectations in order to increase the probability that they will be met.

Some of us feel that we've had a basically good life but are unexpectedly caught in the anguish of indecision, blame, guilt, fear or grief and want to gain clarity so we can move forward in our lives and/or decide whether to stay in or get out of a painful relationship. Others of us have been so traumatized or abused in our childhood / infancy that nurturing and supportive relationships seem like an impossible dream.

For all the above reasons, most of us could benefit from some relationship training.

Sometimes people don't recognize some of the early warning signs of relationship breakdown until it is too late. Here are some of these early warning signs:

• Not spending time together
• Not understanding each other's perspective
• Breakdown in communication or extended silence
• Reoccurring arguments which are never resolved
• Conflicting goals, expectations and values
• Feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness
• Arguments over money
• Feeling neglected by the partner's preoccupation with outside interests
• Sexual difficulties
• Arguments about work and career issues
• Complaints of no longer being attracted to or in love with partner
• Arguments over parenting
• One partner becoming emotionally/sexually involved with someone else
• Unresolved issues that can't be spoken about
• Fatigue, lack of motivation and passive resistance
• Lack of respect
• Lack of affection and warmth
• Inability to trust the partner
• One partner addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling
• Unresolved issues around illness, accident, disability or trauma
• Responsibilities are not equally shared
• Undue influence of parents or ex-partner
• Any bullying, coercion, or verbal or physical abuse

People often hope that if they ignore a problem that it will go away. Unfortunately the reverse is usually true. Early effective help / education / training can make a big difference to the quality of our relationships.

Does Relationship, Couple and Marriage Counselling/Coaching Work?

Conventional relationship / marriage counselling is definitely not as effective as we would like. There is more relationship and marriage counselling available in Australia today than ever before, but the divorce rate is still rising, and that is the tip of the iceberg. We all know lots of defacto couples and non-live-in partners who separate. An important factor in this lack of effectiveness is the fact that most relationship counselling is an activity between the intellects of the relationship counsellor and one or both of the partners in the relationship. This is just a professional effort at what we've already tried to do ourselves - talk our problems through.

This often fails because our relationship problems are irrational, that is, they are emotional rather than intellectual. For this reason, effective relationship, couple and marriage counselling frequently involves experiential approaches which reprogram the emotional centre of our brain - the limbic brain and effective relationship coaching teaches people techniques which can successfully reprogram the emotional patterns learned before they could think or talk, patterns which unconsciously interfere with maintaining relationship harmony.

However, there are as many ways to assist relationships as there are people wanting that assistance and while accelerated emotional release of somatic memories of early unconscious trauma in a safe supportive environment has proved helpful to many, others want to experience unconditional acceptance so that they can develop enough trust to get close to another human being.

Based on physiological psychology research, clinical hypnosis and various somatic psychotherapies, accelerated emotional release methods evolved out of Linda Edwards' counselling psychology doctoral research. In her private practice, she has found that it can be effective in quickly resolving relationship difficulties. Linda also encourages people to use it as a self-help tool to deal with many minor difficulties as they arise. For further information, go to the Self-Help page and read the reprints of Linda's published articles "Releasing the stored Emotions That Cripple Your Life" and "Healing Relationships Through Nurture".

What if My Partner Won't Go to Marriage Counselling or Relationship Coaching With Me?

Even if your partner is uninterested in couple counselling or relationship coaching, it is still worthwhile for one person to learn the skills for resolving their own issue in the relationship so that they can experience peace rather than turmoil. Then, when people discover that their partner is suddenly not upset by things that have bothered them for months or years, they are often keen to experience some of the same benefits themselves. If this does not happen, you will still benefit. You will have gained the clarity to know how to act in the best interests of yourself and the other important people in your life.

TOP

Marriage or Relationship Enrichment

Unfortunately many people go to couple therapy when things are so bad that they are about to split up. However it is much easier to prevent deterioration of a relationship than to salvage it once it has gone off the rails. For this reason, many people who feel they are coping reasonably well want to focus on the enrichment of their relationships and some even consciously choose to do it as a vehicle for personal or spiritual development. These people are usually well rewarded for their efforts. Relationship coaching is a good option for relationship enrichment.

TOP

Pre-Marriage Counselling & Pre-Marital Education

Do you want to learn:

• whether you are are really compatible?
• why so many relationships go sour?
• research-based behaviours that build better relationships?
• practices that create harmony in relationships?

The pre-marital counselling and pre-marital education provided here is based on Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) for couples with an option of stress releasing exercises to enable us to more often remain calm in stressful circumstances. For more information on ACT, go to ACT Couples Coaching

Premarital education is vital for couples seriously considering living together because it can prevent an enormous amount of unhappiness later. This applies to people who do or don't intend to legally marry as well as to same sex couples. It really should be entitled pre-couple education. This type of education is not taught in schools or in the home and most of us learn the hard way if at all. Some of it is beginning to appear in books, but a little coaching with someone experienced in this field can be immensely helpfull.

TOP

Sex Therapy and Love-Making Training for Couples

Sexual difficulties are related to intimacy difficulties and/or a misunderstanding about how long-term sexuality actually works. Most of us have been reared on a good dose of Hollywood movies and this is usually only effective in the short-term. For this reason, a little re-education, homework exercises and dealing with relationship issues, usually resolves most sexual problems such as impotence, loss of chemistry, and vaginismus. For further information see the article "Making Love Last" which you may read or down-load from the self-help page of this site. If you would like further education/training or assistance in this area, Linda is certified to provide training in love-making for couples. If you would like some help with these issues, you may book a couples coaching or couples therapy or an individual sex therapy session with Linda.

TOP

ACT Relationship Coaching and Couples Counselling

Linda's Relationship Enrichment Coaching, Pre-marital Counselling and Couples and Sex Therapy is strongly informed by Acceptance and Commitment Training/Therapy (ACT) principles and various stress prevention and stress releasing exercises.

We only have to look around us to notice all the conflict at international, national, corporate, family, social and sexual relationship levels to realize that humans don't know how to make relationships work. ACT principles help us to understand why and what we can do about creating our own harmonious relationships

Most of Us Have Been Busy Doing What Doesn't Work

The underlying principle of ACT is workability. Many of us get into relationships solely because we feel great when we are with a certain person. Then, later, when it feels worse to be with that person than to be alone, many of us leave. Have you noticed this doesn't actually work?

Look at the 50% divorce rate, and if we add all the defactos who separate, the figure is much worse. Add all the breakups in sexual relationships between people who do not live together and we can see that very few relationships endure. And of those that endure, how many are truly harmonious rather than conflict avoidance situations where the aliveness has gone out of their lives?

In relationships, like in other areas of our lives, our actions are motivated by running away from bad feelings and it just does not work. This is because the juice in relationships comes from intimacy - the honest sharing of our good and bad feelings with each other (I don't mean dumping to manipulate). Without this sensitive loving and compassionate sharing in a space of safety, sex becomes routine and boring and we either stop doing it or try to dress it up to make it exciting again. So wanting the good feelings without the bad doesn't work.

True Incompatibility and a Valid Reason for Leaving

That doesn't mean there is no valid reason for leaving a relationship. There is. Leaving only works for true incompatibility. In other words, they have no interests in common at all and something that is very important to one person would prevent the other from doing something equally important to them. For example, If one person wants children and children would interfere with the way the other person wants to spend their life, or, one wants to live in Europe or American and the other wants to live in Australia, or, one partner has been unable to let go of an unworkable relationship behaviour that prevents the other from living the kind of life they want. One way the later situation can arise is if one partner continues to be abusive and the other has ceased the behaviour of allowing themselves to be abused. (P.S. Getting into a relationship solely because it feels good is not workable. We also need to check for true compatibility before hopping in. This is part of pre-marriage counselling or pre-relationship coaching.)

What Does Work in Relationships?

For workability, we need to take actions that are in alignment with our values in spite of what we feel. This is not easy in close relationships because we are unconsciously attracted to people who trigger our unworkable patterns from the past. From the perspective of the 'big picture', this appears to be how the universe pushes humanity toward emotional evolution. This isn't exactly what most of us are looking for when we get into relationship, but like it or not, we are stuck with it. We either do something workable with our relationship, or we resign ourselves to a life alone or an endless series of short relationships of progressively poorer quality.

ACT Tools to Make it Easier

Fortunately there are tools to help us. While the ACT tool of being willing to fully experience and accept the bad feelings while behaving in ways consistent with our values is sufficient for some people on some occasions, others find this difficult because of the intensity of their emotions or the fact that they are not aware their behaviour is being driven by unconscious emotions. Luckily, recent neuroscience has provided a helpful direction. It has shown that unworkable behaviour occurs because inappropriate intense emotions due to dysregulation of the central nervous system (CNS) override our rational thinking and social engagement processes (loving behaviour). There is already strong evidence that somatic or body-oriented approaches are most effective with some types of CNS dysregulation and promising evidence that physical techniques will prove most effective for any CNS dysregulation involving intense emotion.

This includes CNS dysregulation that causes intense emotions and unworkable behaviour in relationships. In my experience, these physical tools and practices facilitate the ACT goal of behaving in ways consistent with our values in spite of what feelings are present. In relationships, for most people, these values involve acting lovingly toward each other rather than out of fear or anger.

Consistent Practice, Patience, and Compassion Works

What works is to consistently practice using the tools. Again, because it works, we need encouragement to be patient, to persevere and to have compassion for ourselves and our partners. None of us got the way we are overnight and so we can expect it to take some time to undo the unworkable behaviours.

When we notice craziness happening in our relationship, we need to recognize that unworkable behaviour is happening and that we do not really know what we are doing (because our thinking doesn't work properly during CNS dysregulation) and that blaming and judging are unworkable. What is workable is to forgive ourselves and each other and do something that is workable and watch the unworkable stuff get less and less. As Jesus said on the cross, "Forgive them. They know not what they do." When our CNS is in charge, we do not know what we do to our partners, we do not hear them accurately and we do not communicate clearly. We are innocent. It helps to recognize this.

Stress Release and Prevention Processes to Make it Easier to ACT in Workable Ways

For people who are stressed, one tool that may make a significant difference in following the ACT coaching principles in relationships is the Stress Prevention, Release and Management Exercises described on the Coaching page. For those who had a traumatic childhood, the Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) discussed on the Counselling Psychology page might be very useful both personally and in the relationship context.

Workable Behaviours in Intimate Relationships

We cannot control what we or anyone else things or feels. Nor can we control the behaviour of our partners or anyone else. Our own behaviour is all we have control over.

Unfortunately our behaviours in relationships often don't work very well because we are fear driven - consciously or unconsciously (Some people might call it anxiety or stress).

The purpose of ACT-based relationship coaching is to help clients increase the workability of their behaviours. This involves a lot of in-session and out-of-session practice.

Important workable behaviours that need to be increased include:

(1) fully feeling uncomfortable feelings while performing value-driven actions

(2) Expressing appreciation to our partner rather than displeasure

Your willingness to practise these behaviours daily is central to the effectiveness of this relationship coaching model.

We normally tell our partner what we don't like about them rather than what we do like. Unfortunately this behaviour habit is not very workable. Research shows that expressing appreciation (positive reinforcement) is far more effective at increasing the behaviours you want to see in your partner than expressing displeasure (punishment) for behaviours you want him/her to stop doing. Also, we don't usually feel good when we are expressing our displeasure. We need to practise doing something that works better.

The willingness to be vulnerable is the basis of intimacy. It is the stuff that brings a relationship to life and sex won't work without it. It is the stuff we did at the beginning that attracted us to each other. We were better able to do it then because of the "in-love" chemicals running around in our body that temporarily suppressed our defences. If we value intimacy, we need to focus on developing the ability to fully experience our fear, anxiety, sadness and disappointment and to gently express them to our partners without defence.

It is important that our first attempts at vulnerability are done in safer contexts, not in contexts where our partner can be least trusted to avoid attacking us. And when our partner behaves in a vulnerable way, it is really important that we appreciate them for being vulnerable rather than using the opportunity to score a point. The Gratitude Appreciation and Acceptance exercise below is helpful for developing this ability.

A Workable Exercise: Expressing Gratitude Appreciation and Vulnerability

Take a minute to focus on something from any aspect of your life (work, family, pleasure, health etc.) that you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering. It can be something simple, like being able to spend time outside enjoying a particularly lovely sunny day.

While you are focusing on what you are grateful for, scan your body and see if you can notice a nice pleasant feeling of gratitude. Continue focusing on what you are grateful for until you get a sense of this feeling of gratitude.

Look back through the day and find something about your partner's behaviour that you liked and express appreciation to your partner for that immediately if possible. If not, write an appreciative note immediately and leave it somewhere where your partner is sure to find it. If you are separated from your partner overnight, consider phoning, sending an SMS or email.

Remember to express your appreciation in positive terms. For example, say "I really appreciated your unflappability today when the roof leaked", rather than "I'm glad you didn't panic when the roof leaked".

This exercise accomplishes two things:

(1) it reinforces behaviour in your partner that you want

(2) you get to feel the pleasant feeling of gratitude

TIP: Do this exercise at least once a day for 21 days. It takes 21 days to form a new habit.

TIP: Find something new to appreciate every day. You wouldn't want your partner thinking that there is only one thing you can think of to appreciate.

TIP: Make sure that what you appreciate is a behaviour that you would like your partner to do more often. Appreciating your partner's good looks is only useful if he/she normally fails to look after their appearance.

TIP: Think about the qualities you most value and look for and appreciate behaviours in your partner that express those qualities. For example, you might choose to appreciate the way your partner really listened and understood your dilemma.

TIP: Values that are very important for a successful relationship include connection, caring, contribution and curiosity. You might want to appreciate behaviours that reflect them.

TIP: Vary the type of thing that you are appreciating in your partner. You don't want to sound like a record player.

TIP: If you want to support your partner becoming more of who he/she would love to be, find our his/her values and begin appreciating him/her for behaviours that express those values.

TIP: If you feel uncomfortable at the thought of expressing appreciation to your partner, you can do the Acceptance exercise in the ACT Coaching Principles section of the Coaching page until you are comfortable, then redo this gratitude exercise before attempting to express your appreciation.

If you would like help with this exercise or any of the other processes discussed on this page, you may wish to make an appointment with an ACT couples coach. If you are in Melbourne, you might like to make an appointment with Linda who is is certified to teach TRE as well as trained in ACT relationship coaching.

TOP

Consultations

Availability of Consultations

Consultations are held in the Camberwell, Canterbury, Surrey Hills, Burwood area of Melbourne by appointment during business hours and after hours on Saturdays.

Currently, there is a waiting list for new clients. Therefore, it is extremely important that you let us know as soon as possible if you cannot keep your appointment so we can offer the time to someone on the waiting list.

If you need help to deal with an abusive or dangerous situation, call Violence Against Women 24 hours Helpline on 1800 200 526, Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria on 1800 015 188 or Child Abuse Prevention Services on 1800 688 009. To contact any Centre Against Sexual Assault (CASA) and the after hours Sexual Assault Crisis Line (SACL) simply call 1800 806 292 or Email SACL at ahcasa@thewomens.org.au

How Many Consultations Will I Need?

The majority of people seeking couple, family or pre-marriage counselling, education or coaching require 2 to 6 sessions. All sessions are long (60 minutes, sometimes longer). In most cases, the first session involves finding out what you want to achieve and anything relevant to your goal, discussion of ways you might go about achieving that goal and discovering whether everyone is likely to be able to work together effectively.

Fees

From 12th May 2010, the fee for a standard 60 minutes plus consultation for couples will be $245.

However, those who choose to:

(a) pay a non-refundable $50 deposit when they book their appointment, and

(b) do not change or cancel the appointment for any reason, and

(c) turn up for that appointment on time, and

(d) pay the balance in cash at the time of the appointment

will be rewarded for helping minimize our reception and banking costs by qualifying for the discounted consultation fee of $195

Please note that those who meet all conditions except that they need to change the time of their appointment, can qualify for a partially discounted fee of $215, provided they give us 48 hours notice of the change.

Our fees reflect the quality of our service. The standard fee is close to the Australian Psychological Society recommended fee and the discounted fee is well below it.

Standard consultation fees may be paid by cash, cheque, money order, Visa or Mastercard.

Our services are GST free.

Rebates

Those entitled to psychology rebates from Health Funds usually claim a refund of between 20% and 90% depending on which ancillary or 'extras' schedule they have chosen. Ask your Health Fund for details.

Medicare rebates do not apply to couple counselling, coaching or education.

_________________________________________

None of the information on this page is meant as a substitute for appropriate individual psychological care.

TOP

Copyright Dr Linda Edwards 2001-2011, Counselling Psychologist, ACT Couples Therapist (ACT Couples Coach), Marriage Counsellor, Pre-Marital Counsellor, Relationship Counsellor Melbourne Victoria Australia Art of Living Psychology Consulting Rooms are in Melbourne Eastern Suburbs in the Camberwell, Burwood and Canterbury part of Surrey Hills and only a few minutes drive from Ashburton, Balwyn, Box Hill, Glen Iris, Hawthorn, Kew and Malvern.